I’ll be honest. I did not want to write this post. I want to write happy posts, encouraging posts, posts that make you laugh or smile. Not this post. This is a stinky post. But, I told myself when I went into this, especially when I decided to share about my surgery, that I was going to be real, transparent. So, here goes…
Good news first. Last week was a stellar weigh in week. I lost three pounds which allowed me to hit 36 lbs. I did my happy dance right there on the scale! (Cue the Pointer Sisters, “I’m so excited! And I just can’t hide it…..”) I felt encouraged, felt like I was on the right track. I had this! Life lesson: always beware when you start to feel too confident!
Fast forward to this Tuesday, my official “weigh in day”. I step on the scale, filled with anticipation. If last week was 3lbs., what will this week be? And then I looked down and it happened – I was UP a pound! How could this be? I felt myself starting to panic. Something had to be wrong. I stepped off, and stepped back on. Same result. I got off, went to the bathroom and came back again. Still the same. Before I let it go, my eyes were watery and I had stepped on the scale THREE MORE TIMES! Oh, and the last time? It went UP another half a pound! I have to confess that it took a good deal of inner strength not to find a hunting rifle and put that hunk of metal out of it’s (and my) misery!
Unfortunately, I let it kill the next two days for me, as well. Yep! I’ve been on that scale at least once each morning, stripped down to my birthday suit, praying for a different result. And though that mysterious half pound never reappeared, the original 1 pound has remained. Will I be back on in the morning? Honestly? Probably.
Well, on a positive note, I’ve learned something. As much as I don’t want that number to matter to me, obviously, it does. And I don’t know how to completely stop that. We live in a society that bombards us with the need to meet a certain image, to be a certain way. It’s hard to un-indoctrinate ourselves from that thinking. I also have a lifetime of dieting in my own brain – that constant battle to try and reach a particular number or a particular size. I thought I had shut it off, but apparently, it still lurked inside somewhere. Also, those childhood voices still haunt – remembering the only compliment I ever recall getting from some important influences was that I was “cute” and that I was “tiny”, and now feeling that I don’t live up to that, there is that struggle to try to get that approval once again, even though that person is gone.
So, what am I going to do with all of this? Throw my hands up in frustration and say ‘here we go again’, ‘I’ve failed at this again’. Part of me wants to do that, but I’ve gone through too much to let one pound defeat me. Instead, my first step was to go to Pinterest, believe it or not, where I started going through all my collected articles on bariatric surgery. I collected tons of them when I was in the process. I found several on mistakes people make than can cause them to stall or gain weight and studied them for mistakes I may be making. I also went back over my food log and eating and drinking habits for the past week or so to see what I’ve been doing. And, lo and behold, I found several areas I’d let slip. First, I had not been getting enough water for over a week. That in and of itself could have been the problem. Also, I had been eating too little! A common bariatric problem. If you eat too little, your body can go into “starvation mode” and actually slow down your metabolism to compensate. Finally, I have been having a difficult time getting to the gym due to scheduling conflicts and hadn’t made it at all last week. Put these all together, and I probably had the answer to my offending 1 pound!
So, lesson learned. Don’t get cocky! Don’t get comfortable! “What we hope ever to do with ease, we must learn first to do with diligence.” – Samuel Johnson